Have you heard of that children’s book (that isn’t for children) called “Go The F**k to Sleep?”

The book is so very, very wrong.  And so very, very funny.

I’ve already got the follow-up book concept sketched out in my head.  It’s called “Why the H**l Are You Up?”

This morning, I treasured the thought of “sleeping in” after a long, tiring week.  I put “sleeping in” in quotes because if you are childless that could mean 10 or 11 in the morning, but once your womb has been compromised, so has that term.

“Sleeping in.”

I’d just like it to not be dark outside still, is that too much to ask?

Some time around dawn, a little head peeked into my bedroom, the door squeaking ever so slightly.  Actually a big mass of curls attached to a little body burst in the room violently, and I’m pretty sure her hair opened the door by itself.

I escorted The Hair back to her room, asking as nicely as I could muster, “Why are you up?”

She looked at me thoughtfully and asked, “Are there owls in Oregon?”

“Yes, why?”

“I think an owl woke me up,” she answered.

“No, Geeg, the owls are asleep,” I said wistfully, hoping Mrs. Williams hadn’t been so ambitious as to teach her about nocturnal animals in kindergarten.

“Well, then it was the washing machine,” she tried again.

I scowled and said, “Nice try kid, but you know I haven’t done laundry in at least two weeks and there’s no way I’m doing it at 5:45.”

She sized up my pajamas/workout clothes/outfit I’ve worn ever since I got home from running errands yesterday.

“I know!,” a light bulb went off.  “It was the treadmill!”

“Nope, kid, I was asleep.”

“Well, maybe I was just excited to go to the beach with Mimi and Poppy.”  Bingo.

I gave up any hope of either one of us going back to bed, so we got up, went downstairs, colored in My Little Pony coloring books with scratchy, worn out markers and tried to giggle quietly so as not to wake the rest of the house.

And then we watched the sunrise.

Sunrise Smoothies

Makes 4 smoothies

Print this recipe!

• 1 1/2 c. frozen strawberries
• 1 1/2 c. apple juice
• stevia, honey or agave to taste (optional)
• 1 c. frozen mango
• 1/2 c. frozen pineapple
• 1 1/2 c. orange juice
• strawberries for garnish (optional)

Optional add-ins for extra protein and/or healthy fats:  protein powder, flax seeds, chia seeds, avocado, coconut butter

In a blender, combine strawberries, apple juice and sweetener to taste, if using.

Pour strawberry smoothie carefully into glasses and transfer glasses to freezer temporarily.

Rinse out blender and add in mango, pineapple, orange juice and sweetener to taste, if using.  Blend until smooth.

Remove glasses from freezer and carefully pour in mango smoothie to achieve a layered effect.

Garnish with a fresh strawberry and serve.

Beautiful enough to serve to guests,

or perfect for an early morning party of two.

Really early.

But not too early for cookies.

As Gigi dug in, I assured her it was okay that I would now need twice as much under-eye concealer and would continue to spiral downward in my recent relapse with coffee.

There, I admit it.

I said, “I understand, Geeg, you just really like spending time with Mimi and Poppy.  I’d get up early for that too.”

And then she twisted a curl around her green marker-stained finger, and looked up at me and said, “Actually, Mom, I like spending time with you.”

All I could say to that was, “Cheers.”

**********

For those of you that have already purchased our book, thank you!  It’s a little scary to put your heart and soul into something and send it out into the world, but when you get the responses that you’ve given to us, it makes that risk totally worth it.  I can’t wait to do it again.

For those of you that haven’t purchased yet, or if you want to share the book with a friend or relative, I’d urge you to please purchase the book this weekend!  This is our last chance to make a big surge that will count towards the first week of sales and making any Best Seller’s Lists.

Many online retailers are offering free shipping when you purchase two books, so for a little over $25 you could have some Christmas shopping already done!  Something else you can do, as suggested by reader Michelle (thanks!) is request that your local library purchase the book.  Many libraries have request forms online!

And if you haven’t entered our giveaway, there’s still time.

Have a beautiful weekend!

A few weeks ago, I wrote about our life on the fly.

It’s yet another crazy week in the Pea Household, complete with birthday and Father’s Day celebrations, the last day of school, haircuts, Bible studies and phone meetings and culminating with what will surely be the most memorable production of Peter Pan ever.

We’re busy.

We’re hungry.

We’re jealous that Big Sister got her face painted on the last day of school and thus are drawing with markers on our face while Mom is on the phone apologizing to her own mother for implying that she’s a xenophobe in Suntan colored L’eggs.

So without wasting any more time that could be spent defiling property or our own faces, here’s a quick list of a few things we are loving in our house this week:

1.  Fiberful Green Smoothies:  This blend is based on Kim Snyder’s Glowing Green Smoothie from her book, The Beauty Detox Diet. I had the honor of meeting Kim, a fellow Harlequin author when I was recently in New York.  She has a slew of celebrity clients who drink these smoothies for breakfast every morning.  For me, it’s an appetizer.  I’ve been making a big pitcher every few days or so and keeping it in the fridge, pouring myself a glassful whenever I feel an energy slump.  It keeps for at least two days, and if you keep it in a glass container, you can freeze it if you don’t get around to drinking it all.

2.  Thrive Fitness, by Brendan Brazier: If you’ve read Brendan’s sports nutrition book, Thrive, this is a great follow-up/companion book which talks about the fitness aspect of the road to health.  I’ve been sticking to the same workout plan for a few months now and it’s time to switch it up.  Thrive Fitness has great weight routines which I’m going to start incorporating, and new recipes and ideas for pre and post-workout fuel.  I also love Brendan’s discussion of the different types of workouts that breed creativity.  Because watching The Bachelorette really isn’t turning me into a Pulitzer Prize winner.

3.  The Bachelorette: No shame.  It makes me appreciate my life, my family and my husband who doesn’t make fun of the size of my chest on national TV.

4.  Yogurt Bowls: The girls have been eating these for breakfast.  And sometimes lunch.  And that one night last week when we had ten minutes to be out the door, we had them for dinner.  We like to put a whole grain, low sugar cereal in the base, like Cheerios, top it with yogurt, like Whole Soy & Co. Vanilla, and then add fresh or dried fruit and a sprinkle of flax.  The girls lick their bowls clean.  I don’t know where they learned such behavior.

5. These Bras. They live up to every claim they make.  See #3.  And I’d like to say “sorry” to my male readers.  Or maybe, “You’re welcome?”

6.  These Bars. I made a second batch of Peanut Butter Buckwheat Protein Bars this week, only I subbed in almond butter for the peanut butter, coconut extract for the vanilla and I added a little dried coconut in the mix, making them Almond Joy Buckwheat Protein Bars.  I’m going to lick the pan when they are gone.

7. Disney Princess Dress Up iPhone App. This game is worth every penny.  It allowed me fifteen glorious minutes in the Banana Republic dressing room today.  Lulu told me not to buy a white linen skirt, but then I saw how she’d dressed herself and decided to trust my own judgment instead.

8.  Sprouted Organic Tofu. I’ve been loving this tofu, pressed and marinated in this or this and then broiled for 6 minutes on each side.  Since it’s sprouted, it’s higher in protein and easier to digest, and since it’s organic, it’s non-GMO.  And while we’re on the subject, this article is worth checking out if you’ve ever wondered where I stand on the soy “controversy.”  He took the words right out of my mouth.

9. Dads. While we are already gearing up for Father’s Day, it’s also my dad’s birthday on Tuesday.  Happy Birthday, Dad!  A few things worth noting about my dad:

• He’s survived a near-death experience (actually several) and has quite the story to tell about it.
• He plays a mean accordion.
• He can fix anything–car brakes, screen doors, garbage disposals and even Princess nighties.  The girls’ gut response now is, “Maybe Poppy can fix it!”  And he always does.
• He’s given himself stitches, more than once.  I told you he can fix anything.
• He has always believed that I am the best at absolutely everything I do, even if I am totally horrible at it.  That’s love, kids.  And that’s my dad.

(Pssst, Dad, can you come get this blue marker off of Lulu’s face?)

My mom is completely old-fashioned most of the time.  Even though she thinks I’m making fun of her when I point it out, I find it endearing.

That’s not to say I’m not fearful that I’ll get an annoyed phone call after she reads this.  But she still has a dial-up connection, so it’ll be at least a good three hours before this post fully loads, which gives me a pretty good head start.

She calls wallets “billfolds.”

She irons all my dad’s shirts.  Pea Daddy won’t let me even touch his hot Tommy Bahama numbers.  Like I would intentionally singe a pineapple-covered button up.

She wears things like “pantyhose” and slips. And even underwear.

She teaches the girls songs about how to “pick a bale of cotton.”  Admittedly, Lulu stomping her foot and singing with a twang is irresistible.

She taps into her high school Spanish, uses very loud broken English and some sort of weird sign language every time we go out for Mexican food.  Okay, that’s not so much old-fashioned, but it is absolutely hilarious.

One of my favorite dated traditions of my mom’s though has to do with entertaining.  And by that I mean that she assumes I do any.

She’ll come across a dessert recipe, pick up a cake on sale at the store, or even just sample something from my kitchen and say, “Oh, you should just slip this in the freezer and then you can just pull it out for company!”

Company, Mom?

“You know, when your friends just stop by unexpectedly and you want to offer them coffee and dessert.”

Um, my friends know better than to stop by without warning.  That’s why they are still my friends.  And if anyone did stop by without calling, I sure as sugar peas wouldn’t reward them with baked goods.

For all the teasing I do, it’s quite fitting that as I’m getting older, I’m turning into my mom.  I realized this when I took this strudel out of the oven and actually said out loud, “This would be perfect for company!”

And then my mom stopped by unexpectedly, so I hiked up my control top pantyhose and offered her dessert and coffee.

Easy Blueberry Strudel

Print this recipe!

Serves 6-8

• 4 c. organic blueberries, fresh or frozen
• 1/4 c. water
• 1/4 c. organic sugar + 1 t. for sprinkling
• 1 T. lemon juice
• 1/2 t. cinnamon
• 1/2 t. nutmeg
• 10 sheets whole wheat fillo dough (i.e. The Fillo Factory brand), thawed according to package directions
• 2 T. vegan margarine (i.e. Earth Balance), melted
• organic or non-dairy vanilla ice cream (i.e. So Delicious)

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

In a medium saucepan, combine blueberries, water, sugar, lemon juice, cinnamon and nutmeg.  Bring to a low boil, reduce heat and simmer for around 10 minutes.

Remove from heat.  Sauce will seem thin, but will thicken upon cooling.

Grab a large baking sheet, preferably one with a slight edge.  Lightly spritz with cooking spray or oil.

Lay one sheet of fillo dough on the bottom of the pan and brush with a small amount of melted margarine.

Repeat with an additional four sheets of fillo dough, brushing with margarine between each sheet.

After five sheets of dough have been layered, top with the blueberry filling and spread to the corners of the pan.

Layer the remaining fillo dough on top of the berries, one sheet at a time, brushing each sheet with margarine between layers.

Tuck the edges of the dough into the pan carefully, brush with one last bit of margarine and sprinkle with a teaspoon of sugar.

Bake for 20-25 minutes, until dough is just starting to turn golden brown.

Allow strudel to cool slightly before cutting into squares.

Serve with ice cream, if desired.

Simple, yet elegant.

With a delicious, slightly sweet filling and a flaky crust, this strudel has the old-fashioned charm of something my mom would serve to company.

Heck, something I’d serve for company.

Don’t be surprised if you come by and find I’ve whipped up a little banana soft serve, plopped it on top of this strudel and passed it off as breakfast.

Just do me a favor and call first.  That way we can still be friends.

Before you get too impressed you should know that my feet are swollen to the point of elephantiasis, I inadvertently and embarrassingly dropped and shattered my water glass at the party like I was mad at it and I just spent the last fifteen minutes skyping misty-eyed with the rest of the family.  It was a nice return to normalcy to tell people to stop picking their nose thousands of miles away. (Seriously, Pea Daddy, get a tissue.)

I’m sure, like me, you are all wondering what exactly is going on at home.  And what on Earth are they eating?  I asked Pea D to document their meals for the day, and he begrudgingly agreed.  He warned me, “I just don’t want to be  turned into jokes or punch lines.”  I have no idea where Picky McBoogerton would get such an idea.

I was provided no explanation or descriptions—just photos which I shall try to interpret, punch line free.  It ain’t going to be easy.

Breakfast

Spelt toast, blackberry jam & fruit salad

Pea D usually gets the girls breakfast while I work out, so this is nothing new.  I can tell this is Lulu’s because she always uses the red heart plate and the one time I gave her a different plate instead, she spoke in tongues and her head spun around three times.

Ballet Snacks

Fruit leathers, Newman’s Own Honey Wheat Pretzels, dried mango, Cookie Dough Larabar

I suggested apple slices.  But at least we know that everyone in the house will be regular when I get home.

???

Great Harvest Cheese Breadstick

I have no idea when or why this was consumed by Lulu.  All I know is her life is all about cheese.

Lunch

Gigi got to experience lunch at school this week, something I was worried about seeing that 1) this would be her first impression of the school’s hot lunches;  2)I knew I would have to pack something a million times better than soggy pizza or chicken nuggets (the two offerings) to dissuade any future pleas for hot lunch; and 3)  this would be impossible since I wouldn’t be there to pack it.

But, as you know, I left specific instructions.

Gigi’s Lunch

Apple juice, Annie’s Organics Cheddar Bunnies, spelt bread with natural peanut butter and honey, organic green grapes, a Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Ball frozen to preserve just for these purposes

A dough ball is a million times better than hot lunch.  Mission accomplished.

Lulu’s Lunch

Organic cheese sandwich on spelt bread (as you know, I left specific instructions), Annie’s Organics Cheddar Bunnies, organic berries, baby carrots, organic cherry tomatoes

There’s no way she ate those carrots.  I wouldn’t eat those carrots.

Dinner

I had high hopes they’d pick something from the long list of suggestions, including whole wheat spaghetti, Field Roasts and sweet potato fries, homemade whole grain pita pizzas and maybe even serve a green vegetable or two on the side.

Nope.

Wait, I see some green!

Tostada pizza on whole grain crust

That’s totally Pea Daddy’s.  At least someone is getting a little foliage.

Kid’s cheese pizza with pineapple on whole grain crust

No need for explanation there.  It’s CHEESE pizza.

Was it everything I’d planned?

No.

Was it full of a complex variety of fruits, vegetables and whole grains?

Not entirely.

Was it still an admirable job by a wonderful, if not culinary-challenged, husband and father of keeping his family on a meatless/plant-heavy diet without a very grateful and appreciative Mama Pea around?

Absolutely.

And that’s no joke.

Or maybe just someone to celebrate.  Because her actual birthday isn’t until Monday.

Get balloons.

Lots of balloons.

A few favors and decorations can’t hurt either.

Invite bears.

Lots of bears.

Lots of hungry, hungry bears.

But don’t feed them.

(At least not yet.)

Plan bear-themed activities.

Like building bear masks.

Remember washable markers.

And baby wipes.

And for the love of Smokey, forget the glitter glue.

And Elmer’s glue.

And anything that starts with a “g,” ends with an “e” and is now caked on my living room carpet.

Plan more activities like parachuting bears from the stairs and into a bowl.

Have a ladder handy.

Move to something “safer,” like reading a bear story.

Make sure it has a happy ending.  (ahem, Pea Daddy!?!)

This is a party after all.

Even if we aren’t exactly clear as to whose.

Don’t forget goody bags.

Without any “goodies,” per se.

But with plenty of  of bubbles, crayons, bear pencils, tattoos and stickers.

Plan a beary special menu.

And feed those bears, before they get tired of gluing themselves to the carpet, leaving their permanent marks on household fixtures and having their souls crushed with Pea Daddy-approved stories.

Feed them healthy, nourishing food for their growing bear bodies.

But maybe a treat or two also.

Because you know what bears love?

Donuts.

But not just any donuts.

Rasp”bear”y Chocolate Donuts

Print this recipe!

Makes 1 dozen donuts

• 1 c. whole wheat pastry flour
• 1/2 c. unbleached organic flour
• 1 T. baking powder
• 1/4 t. salt
• dash of cinnamon
• 1/2 t. nutmeg
• 1/4 c. vegan margarine (i.e. Earth Balance)
• 3/4 c. non-dairy or organic milk
• 1/2 t. vanilla
• 1/2 t. almond extract
• 3/4 c. organic sugar
• 1 c. organic raspberries (fresh or frozen)

Chocolate glaze:

• 1/2 c. non-dairy chocolate chips
• 1 T. coconut oil

Optional: organic sprinkles

*You can make these donuts in a muffin tin as well, you just may need to bake a few minutes longer.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

In a medium bowl, combine flours, baking powder, salt, cinnamon and nutmeg.

In a small bowl (or just in your liquid measuring cup), combine melted margarine, milk, vanilla and sugar.  Mix until sugar has dissolved.

Add milk mixture to flour mixture and stir until just combined.

Carefully fold in raspberries.

They may turn your batter pink, but hey, a little pink never hurt anyone.

At least I hope not or we are in trouble in this house.

Pipe or spoon batter into a donut pan that has been lightly greased or sprayed with cooking spray.  Do not overfill.

Bake for 13-15 minutes or until donuts are firm to the touch.  Allow donuts to cool in pan for approximately 5 minutes before transferring to a cooling rack.

Repeat six times over the next three hours, cursing the day you decided to make three dozen donuts with ONE DONUT PAN.

For glaze, melt chocolate and oil in a shallow bowl, either using a microwave in 30-second increments or a double boiler.

Call your guests, cancel the party and sit in the corner with this bowl, a large spoon and the gnawing realization that you have to be on a red-eye to New York in 36 hours and have yet to pack a thing.

Or you could dip each donut in chocolate and top with sprinkles.

Yes, that’s the responsible thing to do.

Because you wouldn’t want to let down the bears.

More specifically, one of the most special bears ever.

After all, you only turn six once.

Or twice.

Because we have another party tomorrow.

I am a hoarder.

Not of cats (child, please!), or Groupons (ahem, Pea Daddy), but of special little foods that I don’t want anyone else to even try for fear that they will like it, scarf it and leave me with an empty jar and a river of tears.

My friend Ashley knows me well.  And thus she sends me homemade nut butters in massive, conspicuous jars that I can hide in the back of the fridge behind the sauerkraut and miso.  No one’s going to touch those.

I’m not sure how to take this.

She’s either questioning my portion control or being optimistic about my ability to find a really good hiding place.

But Mother’s Day is tomorrow, and if there’s anything that I’ve learned from my own mom and the other amazing moms in my life, it’s that loving your children, heck, loving anyone is about doing things your head really doesn’t want to do but that your heart wouldn’t have any other way.

Like reading Penny the Pony Fairy again even though you can’t skip words this time because someone is reading over your shoulder watching you like an overeager five year-old that is obsessed with fairies. And ponies.  And apparently heavy mouth-breathing.

Like wiping.

Like racing from the store to the school to pick up a “sick” child when it turns out the assembly music was a little too loud for her taste.  And not Taylor Swift.

Like spending a small fortune on and having your right hand always smell like dill pickles.

Like using the last of the blueberries and chia seeds for a special breakfast, even if it means you don’t get any, you have to delay your run, and you are sitting and eating another bowl of blueberry and chia-free oatmeal by yourself at 11 a.m.

I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Blueberry Buckwheat Cake

Adapted from Ashley’s Ba-nilla Buckwheat Breakfast Bake

Print this recipe!

Makes 4 small or 2 large cakes

• 1/2 c. raw buckwheat groats ground into a flour + 2 T. whole raw buckwheat groats
• 2 organic egg whites or 2 flax “eggs” (1 T. ground flax + 2 T. water = 1 flax egg)
• 2 T. chia seeds
• 1 1/2 t. baking powder
• 1/2 c. unsweetened applesauce
• stevia to taste
• 1/3 c. non-dairy or organic milk
• 1 t. cinnamon
• 2 t. vanilla extract
• 1/2 t. almond extract
• 1/3 c. frozen blueberries

Using a high-speed blender, coffee or spice mill, grind 1/2 c. of buckwheat groats into a fine flour.  Transfer to a mixing bowl.  Add remaining whole buckwheat groats, “eggs,” chia seeds, baking powder, applesauce, stevia, milk, cinnamon, vanilla and almond extract and stir until just combined.

Divide batter into small bowls or ramekins that have been lightly greased or sprayed with cooking spray.

Divide frozen blueberries between each bowl or ramekin and plop right on top.

Microwave each bowl for 1 minute and 30 seconds to 1 minute and 45 seconds, until cake is firm.

Serve cakes in dishes or plate and top with jelly, vegan or organic cream cheese or butter, or yes, even nut butters.

That are hiding in the back of the fridge behind the pickled ginger and the kelp noodles.

That my head doesn’t want to share, but my heart won’t let me hoard.

So eat up the last of your soft, sweet cake my loves, with my precious coconut butter and the last of the delicious, juicy blueberries.  Just don’t rub it in.

And please don’t ask me to read that pony book again.

************

Don’t miss out on our Facebook/Twitter giveaway!  Tweet me or leave a comment on the Peas and Thank You Facebook Page telling me your favorite memory of your mom and you will be entered to win a signed preview from our upcoming book!  I’ll pick five winners from Facebook and five winner from Twitter.  Contest ends at midnight on Sunday, May 8th.

I think my downfall in life is unrealistic expectations.  Well, that and the absurd amount of TV shows I try to keep up with.

I’ve learned to let a few things go.

Sorry, Bethenny Frankel.  I love you and your scatter-brained, motor-mouthed inappropriateness.  But your “crazy” is clogging up my DVR.  And if I want to see crazy, I head to a mirror.

Those high expectations, for myself, for my husband and for even specific days always left me feeling disappointed over things I had no control over.  Things that really just don’t matter at all.

An entire day shouldn’t be marked as a failure because of little hiccups:

Having to patrol the naughty corner at 8 a.m. because someone yelled “I hate you!” over rightful ownership of a maraca.

The door-to-door window salesman who I gave the slip to, only to have him come back five minutes later to have a go again.

The waitress bringing everyone but me their dinner, while someone else at the table is panicking because she’s wedged a black bean up her left nostril.

A birthday bundt cake that isn’t exactly picture perfect.

Exceeding every expectation I ever had?

Most certainly not.  But that has far less to do with reality, and way more to do with my unrealistic expectations.  And that “crazy” I was talking about.

After all, maracas are made for shaking.

Doors are made for slamming.

Noses are made for blowing.

And cakes are made for icing.

Lots and lots of icing.

Chocolate Chip Oatmeal Bundt Cake w/Cream Cheese Icing

*gluten-free, vegan and reduced sugar (optional)

Print this recipe!

Makes 10-12 servings

• 1 c. old-fashioned oats (use gluten-free varieties as necessary)
• 1 1/4 c. boiling water
• 1/4 c. coconut oil
• 1/4 c. almond butter
• 2/3 c. applesauce
• 1 c. stevia baking blend or organic sugar
• 1/2 t. vanilla extract
• 1 c. oat flour (can sub gluten free all-purpose flour or rice flour)
• 1/2 c. coconut flour
• 1/2 t. baking soda
• 1 1/2 t. baking powder
• 1/2 t. salt
• 1 t. cinnamon
• 1/2 t. nutmeg
• 1/2 c. non-dairy chocolate chips

Icing:

• 3 T. non-dairy or organic cream cheese
• 3 T. organic powdered sugar
• splash of non-dairy or organic milk

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

In a small bowl, combine oats and boiling water and allow oats to absorb the liquid.

Using a blender or hand mixer, cream together coconut oil, almond butter, applesauce, stevia or sugar and vanilla.

In a large bowl, combine flours, baking soda, baking powder, salt, cinnamon and nutmeg.

Add wet ingredients to dry, and add now-cooked oats to mixture.

Allow mixture to cool slightly before folding in chocolate chips.

Scoop batter into a greased bundt pan.

Bake for 23-28 minutes or until a toothpick inserted in the cake comes out clean.

For the icing, whisk together cream cheese, powdered sugar and enough milk to make a drizzly consistency.

Allow the cake to cool completely before inverting the pan to remove the cake.

By no means dump the cake while it is still hot.

By no means scoop it back into the pan, smoosh it in and bake it back together for an additional five minutes.

By no means then try to cover every crack, crevasse and imperfection with generous drizzles of icing and fresh organic strawberries.

Actually, do that.

The more icing, the better.

The sweet stuff more than makes up for the disappointments.

Despite appearances, this cake actually had great flavor and texture, sweet, a bit doughy and dense, like a rich pound cake.

It was great for celebrating, and even better for breakfast.

Because no one cared who had the maraca this morning when cake was on the table.

Today, it was all about the ukulele.  And the biggest strawberry.  And a drinking straw that for some reason was covered with Hello Kitty band-aids.

Pass the icing.  It covers up the crazy.

Life’s full of tough choices.

Sleeping in or Sunday School?  (Sorry, God)

Yoga pants or skinny jeans?  (Yoga pants.  Or more accurately called “bake two kinds of cake, take pictures of cake and then sit on the couch and write about cake” pants.)

Lowe’s or Home Depot? (I don’t know.  I stayed home.  I have cake on my pants.)

Very Cherry Berry Snack Cake (TWO WAYS)

Print this recipe!

Makes 9 servings

• 1/2 c. non-dairy milk
• 3/4 c. unsweetened applesauce
• 1/4 c. almond butter
• 1/2 c. brown sugar
• 1/2 t. vanilla extract
• 1/2 t. almond extract
• 1 c. whole wheat pastry flour
• 1 c. oat flour (this is simply ground old-fashioned oats)
• 1 t. baking powder
• 1/2 t. baking soda
• 1 t. cinnamon
• 1/2 t. nutmeg
• 1/2 t. salt
• 1 1/2 c. frozen cherry berry blend (or can use all cherries or berries of your choice)

Chocolate Drizzle:

• 3 T. chocolate chips
• 1 T. almond butter

(ignore the Earth Balance in this picture.  It was feeling left out.)

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

In a small mixing bowl or a liquid measuring cup, combine milk, applesauce, almond butter, extracts and brown sugar.

Tip: I like to mix my wet ingredients right in the measuring cup.  Rather than dirtying up extra bowls and cups, I do the math (i.e. 1/2 c. milk + 3/4 c. applesauce means I should add applesauce to the milk until it measures 1 1/4 c. of liquid).

Mama Cake Pants is no dummy.

In a large bowl, combine flours, baking powder, baking soda, cinnamon, nutmeg and salt.

Add wet ingredients to dry and stir until just combined.

Add frozen cherries and berries and fold in gently.

Transfer batter to an 8×8 pan that has been lightly greased or coated with cooking spray.

Bake for 28-32 minutes or until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean.

Allow to cool before cutting into squares.

For chocolate drizzle, melt chocolate and almond butter in a microwave or double-boiler and drizzle over the top of each piece.

This cake is not nearly as naughty as it looks.  Or as it tastes.

But I knew I could do better.  Especially if I’m sleeping in, sitting on the couch writing about cake and bypassing hardware shopping.

And trust me, I am.  Any chance I get.

High Protein Very Cherry Berry Snack Cake

(gluten-free, no added sugar)

Print this recipe!

Makes 9 servings

• 3/4 c. non-dairy milk
• 1/2 c. unsweetened applesauce
• 1/4 c. almond butter
• 1/2 c. stevia baking blend (or regular stevia to taste)
• 1 c. oat flour (use gluten-free varieties, if necessary)
• 1/3 c. garbanzo bean flour
• 2/3 c. vanilla protein powder (I use rice protein)
• 1 t. baking powder
• 1/2 t. baking soda
• 1 t. cinnamon
• 1/2 t. nutmeg
• 1/2 t. salt
• 1 1/2 c. frozen cherry berry blend (or can use all cherries or berries of your choice)

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

In a small mixing bowl or a liquid measuring cup, combine milk, applesauce, almond butter, extracts and brown sugar.

In a large bowl, combine flours, protein powder, baking powder, baking soda, cinnamon, nutmeg and salt.

Add wet ingredients to dry and stir until just combined.

Add frozen cherries and berries and fold in gently.

Transfer batter to an 8×8 pan that has been lightly greased or coated with cooking spray.

Bake for 28-32 minutes or until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean.

I was very pleased with myself when I tasted this cake.

I nearly dropped a big forkful in my lap when I saw the nutrition info.  Okay, so I did drop a big forkful in my lap.

5 grams of sugar and 17 grams of protein in a piece of cake?  Breakfast of champions, baby.

But hey, you do what you’ve gotta do…

And I’ll do what I’ve gotta do.

And by that I mean, change pants.

Then today was all about me.

Not that I have anything against sitting on scalding metal bleachers on a 90-degree Phoenix day, surrounded by men with two beers the size of my head in his hands and women wearing booty shorts and four-inch stilettos to a Spring Training baseball game.  This is heaven to some.  Some Pea Daddies.  But for me, I’m totally out of my element.

Now this?

This I could get used to.

The Desert Botanical Garden is absolutely stunning.  The cacti, wildlife and desert blooms are even more gorgeous if viewed from piggy back.

Just not this piggy’s back.

Though I was in love with the gorgeous scenery,

there was definitely something for everyone.

An old man cactus with a golf ball?  All it’s missing is a Tommy Bahama shirt.

It was all over when the girls realized what the featured exhibit was.

That’s not Gigi pointing at butterflies.  That’s Gigi’s “butterfly perch” that was permanently ready and waiting the entire time we were in the tent.

I wasn’t kidding.

And though there was no actual contact made, we did see some beautiful butterflies.

And I do mean beautiful.

How better to continue Mama’s Day then with brunch?

We all felt very zen upon arriving at the peaceful location.

Well, almost all of us.

Dining at Nourish is a delightful experience, but it can’t work miracles, people.

They can certainly work delicious gluten-free, organic food, though.

Pea Daddy’s Vegan Blueberry Waffles,

My Chopped Spicy Mango Salad,

and our favorite dish of the day, the girls’ Optima (aka hummus) Sandwich and side of fresh fruit.

Now this is my element.

I was amazed when a woman approached our table and introduced herself as a reader.

Chandana was sweet and soft-spoken as she said how much she loves the blog and how excited she was to meet us.  And then, on this “Day for Mama” she asked if she could have her picture taken.

With the girls.

Of course.

Don’t think for a second I don’t know who it really is all about.  And that’s okay.

Tomorrow can be about me.

This is the face of a criminal.

If you are ever on a jury and the defendant gives you this look, you must convict.  I’m pretty sure this was the basis for the entire first semester of Criminal Law.  Then again, I got a very bad grade in Criminal Law.  It comes before F and after C.  And I made that face.

I’m going to let you in on a little secret to my mediocre parenting.  I say mediocre because:

a)  my oldest child did something for which to make that face;

b)  I took a picture of that face;

c)  I’m going to use that picture in a wedding reception slideshow someday, preferably set to the song “Butterfly Kisses,” you know, to really make it cringe-inducing; and

d)  I bribe my kids into doing things.

The secret to my mediocre parenting is…

I bribe my kids into doing things.

The currency for using the potty or putting on clean underwear in our house (usually both, rarely in that order):  blueberries.

Those babies are little blue nuggets of gold and aside from the fact that a small pint of organic blueberries costs more than my cell phone bill, I’m not afraid to use them at will.

Especially in the morning.

When we are late for the dentist.

When Lulu hasn’t used the potty.

When I am still tired from a Valentine’s Day that was not spent feeding each other Red Velvet Cupcakes by candlelight but instead spent shampooing the carpet after someone laughed a little too hard.

Whoever said there’s no such thing as a house with too much laughter didn’t have light beige carpet.

The carpets still damp with “natural orange” cleanser, I was willing to sell a kidney, or remove an apparently very small bladder to prevent another accident, to get the girls upstairs and dressed and to not have Dr. Marc’s receptionist calling Pea Daddy to ask where we are.  Tattletale.

I called out the big guns, proclaiming, “Whoever goes upstairs, goes potty and gets dressed gets blueberries!”

And bananas and blood oranges.  I don’t mess around.  Or pay my cell phone bill.

Lulu climbed the stairs, happily singing a song about berries and “the blood that you eeeeeeat!”

Then I heard it.

“OOOOF!” followed by the plunking and plinking of blueberries down stair after cat hair-covered stair.

I guess blueberries are also currency for cleaning the stairs.  I’ll take it.

“Don’t forget to use the potty!,” I reminded Lu as she plopped berries into her mouth while simultaneously trying to de-coat her now furry tongue.

She ran and did her duty (and maybe her doodie) and then I heard a blood-curdling scream.  And not the kind you eat.

Because when Lulu returned, this was all that was left of her fruit bowl.  One single, slimy, slightly hairy banana slice.

This is the face of an unwilling victim.

This is the face of a criminal.

And no matter what she tells you, this is the face of someone who isn’t sorry.

That’s okay.  I’ll bet you a pint of blueberries she will be when “Butterfly Kisses” starts playing.