What a week.

I need a nap.

Our Spring Break has been full of:

a) morning chess games.  We’re super loose on the rules and the dress code.

b) frightening field trips.  When and why did my children become terrified of the carousel?

c) afternoon crafts.  Watercolors today.  Peep wreaths tomorrow.

d) grooming.  Gigi’s toes in essie’s mink muffs.

e) healthy snacks.  Ants on a log, cut for those missing front teeth, and super soft whole grain sandwich bread stuck under the broiler with raw cheddar.

f) good books.  I’m entranced with this book and its premise.  And I’m spending my free moments searching for farmland to buy.

g) scary movies.  First The Hunger Games, then African Cats.  Which also could have been called The Hunger Games.

h) homemade ice cream.  Our version of this recipe.  Clearly they hate it.

i) new apps.

Yes!  There’s a new Peas and Thank You app available for free here and on iTunes!

The app features definitions for all of our favorite pantry ingredients as well as a helpful shopping list, our Twitter feed and a handful of recipeas that will be updated with new recipeas regularly.

Enjoy the app.

Enjoy some ice cream, a good book and a nap.

Enjoy the rest of your Spring Break.

I sure plan to.

I’ve got to keep some things to myself.  And trust me, I’m doing you a favor.

Bad recipes.

Bad singing.

Bad parenting.

Bad, bad vans.

Here’s just a glimpse of what you didn’t see on Peas and Thank You this week.  Explanations, much like these photos, probably aren’t necessary, but are provided nonetheless.

1.  This sorry attempt at healthy Wheat Thins.

They looked like Wheat Thins.  They tasted like a punishment.

2.  The story of Pea Daddy, House Hunter.  Pea D emailed me on Monday and asked, “Do you want to go look at this house that just went up for sale?  I’ve always loved it.  It’s right next to the strip club that burnt to the ground.”

Um.  Let me think.

How big is the kitchen?

3.  These butternut squash tater tots.

They looked so promising.  Even Lulu thought so.

Then she wished for death.  Swift, sweet death.  I would have snapped a picture but I was too busy trying to catch chewed up “tot” before it hit my carpet.  That spot is reserved for hairballs only.

4.  The groundbreaking duet between Gigi and I on Adele’s “Someone Like You.”  I’m a mediocre singer.  Gigi couldn’t carry a tune if it came with a handle and wheels.  I could have posted the recording for you, but then you would have gone running for the squash tots.

5.  This van, spotted in Portland.

I was praying it was Fred Armisen driving.  It wasn’t.  Unless Fred is a 60 year-old woman.

Shiver.

6.  Pea Daddy and Gigi’s love for brain teasers at the Science Museum.

Actually, it’s Gigi’s love for the puzzles.

Pea Daddy’s affections lie with looking up the answers to the puzzles on his iPhone.

7.  The demise of Nearrings.  Remember my solution to the ear-piercing dilemma?

Yeah, well, Lulu “pierced” Blankie, rendering the entire package of gems stickless.

As much as I wanted to, I didn’t put her in the Naughty Corner.

I made her eat some Wheat Thins instead.

Holy moly.

I had a very rare breakdown into tears while packing lunches this evening.  Pea Daddy asked why.  Big mistake.

My response: “I’d say it’s getting up at 5:30 to workout, racing home to make sure everyone is dressed, gone potty, had breakfast and has their hair done, packing snacks for preschool, making Cracklin’ Cauliflower, packing lunches, taking Gigi to school, finishing the Quinoa Tabbouleh, picking Lulu up from school, baking Apple Cider Donuts, making Lulu lunch, playing Hangman with someone who can’t spell, making Peach Cobbler, coloring, reading stories while trying to make sure my cobbler doesn’t burn, making Lulu a snack, picking up Gigi, making Gigi a snack, packing Gigi’s lunch, making sure her homework is done and trying to get some semblance of a normal meal on the table for dinner.  That’s all.”

He’s sorry he asked.

Tonight we all needed a little comic relief (or a horse tranquilizer), so I decided to ask the girls this list of questions I found via Pinterest (and originally from this blog).

1. What is something Mommy always says to you?

Gigi:  Please read to me.

Lulu: Go pee pee.

2. What makes Mommy happy?

Lulu: Us.

Gigi: Not peeing on the floor.

Me:  Keep it clean, guys.

3. What makes Mommy sad?

Gigi: When we make big messes.

Lulu: When we pee pee on the floor. (You can see how much Lulu respects my authority.)

4. How does Mommy make you laugh?

Lulu: Make funny faces.

Gigi: Wacky Wednesday videos!

5. What was Mommy like as a child? 

Gigi: You had two brothers.

Lulu: You had short hair and brown eyes (she says looking at my short hair and brown eyes).

6. How old is Mommy?

Gigi: 34. (I’m 33, verified via text message with Pea Daddy two weeks ago.)

Lulu: 68.

7. How tall is Mommy? 

Gigi: 51 inches. (4 foot 3?)

Lulu: Stand up.  You’re that tall.

8. What is Mommy’s favorite thing to do?

Gigi:  Play with us.

Lulu:  When we smile.

9. What does Mommy do when you’re not around?

Lulu: Go shopping.

Gigi: Go shopping.  Make lunch.  Hang out with Lulu.  Hang out with me.

Me:  You’re not here!

Gigi: I’m invisible.

10. If Mommy becomes famous, what will it be for?

Lulu: The best cookbook.

Gigi:  Being the best mommy in the world (hugging me).

11. What is Mommy really good at?

Lulu: Working on the computer.

Gigi: Being a friend (hugging me again).

12. What is Mommy not very good at?

Lulu: Walking on a tightrope.

Gigi:  Making typos.

Me: I’m not good at making typos?

Gigi: Actually, you’re pretty good at that.

13. What does Mommy do for her job?

Lulu:  Work on the book.

Gigi:  Write books.

14. What is Mommy’s favorite food?

Gigi: Salad.

Lulu: Everything!

15. What makes you proud of Mommy?

Lulu:  Hoopa-looping.

Gigi:  Jumproping up to 57.

16. If Mommy were a cartoon character, who would she be?

Lulu:  Linus, because I love Linus.

Gigi:  Can we change the subject?  (Touched a nerve there.)

17. What do you and Mommy do together?

Gigi:  Read books.

Lulu:  Sing “Peanut Butter Jelly Time, Peanut Butter Jelly Time, Peanut Butter Jelly Time, Where Ya At?!  Where Ya At?!”

18. How are you and Mommy the same?

Lulu:  Because we love each other (hugging me).

Gigi:  We both have curly hair.

19. How are you and Mommy different?

Lulu:  We’re not the same old.

Gigi:  I’m in school, you’re not.

20. How do you know Mommy loves you? 

Gigi:  Because you take me out to frozen yogurt.

Lulu:  Because we live together.

21. Where is Mommy’s favorite place to go?

Gigi:  Starbucks.

Lulu:  The grocery store.

You know where to find me.

Lulu might be taking her self-imposed lessons in empathy a little too far.

Yesterday she sat in her baby doll stroller and rolled herself around the house, claiming to be in a wheelchair.  I was going to put a kibosh on her game as being insensitive, but it came to a crashing end all on its own.  Let’s just say our stairway is not up to ADA standards.

Today she’s pretending that a pair of blue Minnie Mouse sunglasses are actual eyeglasses and that she “can’t see a thing without them.”  She’s walking around squinting, taking off her frames and rubbing her eyes like they are so fatigued from trying to see.  She’s gone as far as giving herself pretend eye exams:  “Do you like 1 or 2?”  How about now?  1…or 2?”

The most alarming part of this whole game was when she removed the glasses, looked me up and down, in my jeans, T-shirt and unkempt hair and said, “Mom, I love you no matter what you look like.”

She says the sweetest things.  I liked it better when she couldn’t see.

Especially at snack time.

Goldfish Crackers

*gluten and dairy-free

Makes approximately 4 1/2 c. of crackers

Print this recipe!

• 1 c. all-purpose gluten-free flour (i.e. Bob’s Red Mill)
• 1 c. garbanzo bean flour
• 3/4 t. xanthan gum
• 1 t. salt
• 1/4 t. dry mustard
• 1 c. non-dairy cheddar cheese (i.e. Daiya)
• 1/2 c. vegan margarine (i.e. Earth Balance)
• 5 T. cold water

Note: if you’d like to make a non-gluten free version, use 1 c. whole wheat pastry flour and 1 c. unbleached all-purpose flour and omit xanthan gum.

In the pitcher of a high speed blender or the bowl of a food processor, combine flours, xanthan gum, salt and mustard.

Pulse to combine.  Add cheese and pulse again until fully incorporated.

Add margarine in small chunks and pulse, cutting it into the cheese flour.

Transfer the mixture to a large bowl.

Add water, one tablespoon at a time, stirring until a dough forms.

Transfer dough to a large piece of plastic wrap, form into a circle, wrap up and refrigerate for at least an hour.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Using a floured pin and board (gluten free all purpose flour is fine for these purposes too), roll dough out to about 1/4 –1/2 inch thick.

Cut crackers out using cookie cutters and carefully transfer to a baking sheet lined with parchment paper or a Silpat.

If you want to save time, or have children who are pretending to be visually impaired, you can simply cut the dough into squares and make an imprint with the end of a spoon or fork.

Instant Cheez-Its.

Bake for 10-14 minutes, until crackers are crisp and golden.  Allow to cool before transferring to an airtight container.

They taste like goldfish.  Salty, crunchy and deliciously cheesy.

They look like goldfish.  Especially through a pair of cheap, child’s sunglasses.

You can make whatever shape you like, depending on your audience.  I tried puppies, of course, but the pesky tail kept coming off.

Hence the squares.  Cheez-Its don’t have tails.

The point is, these are tasty.  They’re worth every extra bit of effort for your kiddos, even if you don’t have goldfish cookie cutters.

After all, as a wise blind woman once said, you’ll love them no matter what they look like.

Amen.

1. We received about eight board games for Christmas and played them each a half a dozen times this weekend.  Any bonds of friendship bragged about last week have since been broken.  Badly, badly broken.  This led to me playing a game called, “Google Cocktail Names To Decide Which Drink I’m Going to Order First When We Get to Maui.”  Odds are 4:1 that it’s a Lava Flow.

2.  The point of the game “I Never Forget a Face” is kind of a face-based Memory.  We have more fun seeing who can come up with the best names for the characters.

From left to right: “Young President Obama,” “Carrot Top,” and “Steve Martin as one of the Two Wild and Crazy Guys.”

In other words, I win.

3.  Frozen blueberries may need to be taken off the breakfast menu.  At least when we have to be at church in 20 minutes.  Blue teeth seem to distract from the message of “This Little Light of Mine” just a little.

4.  Gigi tried to play a game with the Tooth Fairy, wherein she left her tooth from last week under her pillow again last night.  She even left a note detailing that any funds received would be used to buy a toy for a less fortunate child.  Nice touch.  There was nothing but an old tooth under her pillow this morning.  Tooth Fairy saw right through that scheme.

5.  Lulu has taken note and has started playing a similar game.  Hers resulted in Pea Daddy finding my IRA statement under his pillow.  Surprise!

6.  I played a game wherein I impaled myself on a star tip while frosting Gingerbread Cupcakes with Lemon Cheesecake Icing.  Sure it hurt like a…weekend filled with board games, but I got to use an Angry Birds Band-Aid.  And eat cupcakes.

In other words, I win.

7.  On the way to church, which we’ve missed the last two weekends because of the holidays, Gigi said, “Am I dreaming or are we going to church?  Praise God!”

8.  At church, our pastor emphasized a point in his sermon by showing us an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond.  I said, “Am I dreaming or are we watching TV in church?  Praise God!”

8. The girls made up a game called “Blue’s Clues.”  In the game, “Blue” leaves bones around the house and “Joe” searches for them, writes down the clues and solves the puzzle.  Only Joe’s name for our purposes is “Elizabeth.” Because Joe is a boy, and we’re girls.  Duh.

And this “shelf,” “counter” and “drawer” means, “I want a carrot.”

I repeat: duh.

9.  The game I’m currently playing is “Try Not to Freak Out About the Weather Forecast for Your Entire Vacation.”

We come home on Tuesday morning.

Good thing I’ve nearly gone pro at  “Google Cocktail Names To Decide Which Drink I’m Going to Order First When We Get to Maui.”

In other words, I still win.

My girls have a bond that I am not sure I will ever understand.

Though I have brothers, I definitely don’t relate to the connection they have.  The willingness to do anything for each other.

The nicest thing I ever did for my brother was sneak into his dresser drawer, break all his cigarettes in half and stuff them back in the package.  I thought I was so clever.  What was he going to do?  Tell my mom?

My girls, on the other hand, will do whatever it takes to keep the other out of trouble.

Like last night, when Gigi laid a “skip” against Lulu during the Angry Birds card game and Lulu suddenly yelled, “DAMN IT!”

I gasped and looked at Pea Daddy.  He looked at me, a little too accusingly for my taste.

“What did you say?” I asked Lulu.

Gigi burst in before Lulu could answer.  “Darn it!  She said, ‘Darn it!’”

“Yeah,” Lulu shrugged innocently. “Darn it.”

And then the expression of, “What are you going to do about it, Lady? You got nothin’ on me.”

I worry about that girl.

Last night held another milestone for our family, aside from Lulu’s first profanity.  Gigi lost her first tooth to natural causes.  There was no rush to the ER, no speeding to the on-call dentist, no fences, no x-rays and very little blood.  Hallelujah.  The tooth fairy was going to get off easy.

Or so I thought.

This morning, Gigi rushed down the stairs, her unkempt curls hiding a scowl.  I immediately thought maybe the tooth fairy had forgotten to come, but then I saw two dollar bills folded in her hand.

“What’s wrong, Gigi?” I asked.

“I did not get what I expected.  You can’t buy anything with two dollars.” she muttered.

And just like that, all my lessons about selflessness and appreciation went out the window.

She sulked in an armchair for a good thirty minutes, only interrupting her pouting to ask for a loan so she could buy a new toy.  Any new toy.

I was disgusted.  Lulu, who had wandered down amid the commotion, decided she’d had enough and headed back upstairs.

She returned a few minutes later, clutching a dollar in her hand.

She walked right up to Gigi and handed it to her, saying “Here you go!”

“Where did you get that?” I asked skeptically.

“My piggy bank.” Lulu said matter-of-factly.

Lulu’s piggy bank does not have dollar bills in it.  I would have taken those long ago for a Starbucks run.  Even if it did have dollar bills, there was no way she would even begin to know how to get it out of either the little slot on top or the hard to remove plug on its base.  I had another theory.

“Did you get that out of Daddy’s wallet?”  I could hear the shower running, so I knew it was unprotected on the nightstand.

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Gigi was upset.  And I just wanted to her to stop.”

Believe me, so did I.

I then spent some time explaining why we don’t lie, why we don’t steal and how to get the dollar back in to Pea Daddy’s wallet without him finding out.  Even though my experience is usually the opposite.

I tried to act mad.

But I couldn’t help but feel slightly proud of Lulu risking it all to make Gigi happy.

Five minutes later, they were shrieking at each other over Angry Birds and any sign of sisterly love or loyalty was gone.

“Gigi,” I said, “I’d cut her a little slack.  She did, after all, just commit grand larceny for you.  Now get along!”

Damn it.

One innocent day, a couple weeks ago when I was wiping a Baby Mouse’s runny nose with my bare hands at Nutcracker rehearsals, Pea Daddy went Christmas shopping for the girls.

There’s no denying that Pea Daddy’s a great dad.  There might be loud, shrill denying that he is always the best of husbands.  Rarely.  But when selecting Christmas gifts for the girls he overlooked the important consideration that should always be made in all key decisions:

“How is this going to impact my wife?”

I was willing to overlook the paints.

I could even tolerate the very large, very musical My Little Pony mermaid playground, as implausible as it seems that ponies can live, breathe and ride ear-shatteringly loud carousels underwater.

However, I had a hard time dealing with the Princess Palace and all of its 1500 pieces.  In fact, that’s about 1,480 pieces too many for my taste.  And what were we to do with this monstrosity once it was constructed?  Jam it into Lulu’s closet?

Seriously, don’t open that closet.

But who am I to stand in the way of Pea Daddy’s fabulous gift?  Especially when Gigi asked me at 6:14 a.m. sharp on December 26th if she could put it together.

And thus I spoke four of my favorite words in the English language: “Go ask your dad.”

Curses were uttered.  Coffee was made.  Instructions were removed from the box and completely ignored.

And as the Princess Palace was constructed, I grew old.

By my precise calculations, ten pieces were actually utilized each hour.

Pea Kitty grew bored.

And then Gigi grew bored.

Nothing a little Fruit Ninja won’t solve.

Another hour later, the complaining started.

“I don’t want to stand anymore!” Lulu whined.

“But you have to learn to stand if you want to be an architect!” Gigi explained both inaccurately and matter-of-factly.

“I don’t want to be an architect.”  Lulu replied.  “I just want to be an author like mom and sit all the time.”

She speaks the truth.  I wish she’d stop.

Finally, they’d constructed 500 pieces and the bedazzling began.  With 1,000 jeweled stickers.

It took about a dozen jewels in before Gigi got a bright idea.

“Let’s just quit,” Gigi rationalized, “And then I’ll have a new pair of earrings for each day of the year!”

That a girl.

And thus the palace constructed ended.

We have half-naked turrets.

We have hundreds of pairs of earrings.

We have a monstrous castle sitting in the middle of our dining room table.

But at least it doesn’t play any music.

I’d cram it in the closet, but I’m too busy sitting.

1.  On the 13th Day of Christmas my true love gave to me,

one case of pinkeye,

acute bronchitis,

four missing teeth,

and a partridge in a pear tree.

2.  How ‘bout some irony?  Gigi, both a pacifist and a vegetarian, has been cast as the solider who gets to kill the Mouse King in The Nutcracker.  I feel nothing but pride. I suspect Lulu, cast as a mouse, will find her harder to forgive.

3.  The worst part about writing a cookbook:

4.  The best part about writing a cookbook:

Red Lentil Soup, Carrot-Orange Pistachio Streusel Muffins, Sweet Potato and Black Bean Enchiladas

5.  I’m over Angry Birds and am on to Pinterest. I’ve been mistakenly calling it Pin-interest for the last three months.  Now that I’m onboard, I’ve never cared more about makeup tutorials, Keep Calm posters and different ways photographers can have people form hearts with their hands.  How did I live without this?

6.  Speaking of makeup, you could buy makeup primer for $45 or you could buy Monistat Chafing Relief Powder with nearly identical ingredients for less than $7.  Pea Daddy is suddenly very relieved that I’m not actually experiencing any chafing.

source

7.  Sometimes, I go in the girls’ rooms before they wake up in the morning, just to see them sleep.  They look so peaceful, their hair splayed out on their cool pillowcases.  Then there are other times, when I’m abruptly awakened in the dark of night by Lulu yelling, “Mom, I can’t get my eye open!”  Dear Lord.

8.  There is no better excuse for being a no-show at a three-hour long Sunday School pageant than pinkeye.  See, what I meant was, “Dear Lord.  Thank you.”

9.  I felt a bit guilty about missing church while Pea Daddy and the girls huddled around Angry Birds this morning.  Then Lulu folded her hands, closed her pink eyes and said, “God, please help us pass this level and kill all the pigs.  Amen.”  That a girl.

10.  Pea Daddy rented The Smurfs for us to watch tonight.

And suddenly I wish my eyes were crusted shut.

*************

The winners of the Vegan Pie in the Sky giveaway are:

Melissa and Debby!!!

Email me your mailing info ladies and I’ll get your books on their way. 

I’ll wash my hands first.  Promise.

10.  Calliou’s Holiday Movie is on right now.  It’s an hour and a half long.  Help.

9.  Gigi and Lulu both invited imaginary “friends” over today.  Lulu then told Gigi that all of Gigi’s “friends” liked her better and weren’t going to play with Gigi anymore.  Gigi started crying and then we all had a nice talk about how sisters can be real friends and play real games together.  Then this happened.

Three rope burns and a broken toy teapot later, I liked it better when Lulu was being a jerk.

8.  I’m not counting down the days until Thanksgiving, I’m counting down the days until The Muppet Movie.  If you want to smile, watch some puppet chickens singing Cee Lo.  And if you don’t, cluck you.

7.  If you are still looking for a good stuffing recipe, make this one.  It’s made with Ezekiel bread and you don’t have to stuff it up inside anything.  Except your face.

6.  Gigi and Lulu wanted to hoist their snack up to their rooms this afternoon.  I told them no, because somehow whenever they take food upstairs, I end up finding black beans under Gigi’s desk a week later.  At least I hope those were black beans.

5.  We had Gigi’s parent teacher conference today.  Her teacher told us how wonderful Gigi is and then showed us her creative writing assignment that explained, “I have a cat.  She likes to sleep.  She likes pucing on my mom and dad’s bed.  I hope I never have to clean it up.  The end.”  She spelled “puking” wrong but got an “A” for overall accuracy.

4. I did this lower body workout today.  I’m now having trouble walking.  And getting up from a sitting position.  Which led to some awkward shouting “Help!” in the tiny stall of the elementary school restroom.

3.  If you are still looking for a good cranberry sauce recipe, you HAVE to make this one. It has blueberries in it, and if you buy the kind that farts when you plop it out of the can, I’ll never forgive you.

-

2.  Someone needs to make dinner.  I’d do it, if I could get up from the couch.

1.  Help.

1.  Lulu slept in until 8 this morning, when I heard her rummaging through her dresser drawers.  She came downstairs wearing a full tutu, pink feathered crown, arrowhead necklace and sense of self-importance.  She said she was ready for preschool.  They were not ready for her.

2.  Pea Daddy introduced me to Angry Birds on Sunday.  My life, as I know it, is over.  I think my book manuscript would be finished if it weren’t for those stupid birds and those pigs wearing helmets.  When have you ever seen a pig wearing a helmet?  Come on!

3.  Can someone tell me where I’m supposed to store this for the next week?  I can’t close my refrigerator.

4.  Pea Daddy emailed me today and asked if I wanted to go see the new George Clooney movie this weekend.  I have no idea what it’s about, but I told him that for any question he ever asks me that has the words “George” and “Clooney” in it, the answer is always, “Yes! Yes!  Sweet mother of all things holy, yes!”

5.  Lulu brought home her “Thankful Cross” today.  The only surprise was that I somehow beat “cheese” out.

6.  Lulu begs me to play Angry Birds just so she can watch.  I thought she liked seeing the animations and listening to the sound effects, but I’m starting to realize that she likes seeing my animations and listening to my sound effects.  And then submitting a bill for the Swear Jar.

7.  In the past three days, I have created, cooked and photographed eight recipes for the next book.  I wasn’t kidding.  I really can’t close my refrigerator.

8. This week is the Book Fair at Gigi’s school.  We bought an Amelia Bedelia book and another for Gigi’s classroom.  Then Lulu spotted an Angry Birds poster and begged me to buy it.  She’s such an enabler.

9.  Spiralized beets make awesome mustaches.

10. Last night Pea Daddy went to bed while I was writing.  He texted me fifteen minutes later and told me to stop playing Angry Birds.  I texted him back and told him I was still writing.  Then I stopped writing and started playing Angry Birds.  I went to bed an hour later and fell asleep staring at my new Angry Birds poster.

11. I’m letting my mom do the bulk of the work for Thanksgiving this year.  I’m just too busy.  I’m bringing a Tofurkey.  And Fluffernut Brownies and a stalk of Brussels sprouts.

12. Can someone tell me how to get past this level?

I can get them all but that last stupid helmet wearing pig.

13.  Today at Lulu’s preschool they had a Thanksgiving feast complete with turkey sandwiches.  Lulu didn’t freak out.  She simply said, “No turkey on mine, please!”

And sometimes, because it is Thanksgiving, that’s all we need to say.