Household Hints, Volume I
I hardly consider myself an expert on running a household smoothly. I have, however, picked up some tricks for multitasking parenting, writing, practicing basic hygiene, cooking and maintaining relationships.
As a result, I’ve become an expert on half-assing almost everything.
And you can become one, too!
Here is the first set of many questionably helpful hints I’d like to share with you:
1. If you are having a spat with your spouse, say over something as silly as how he returned his Kindle you bought him and thus his stockpile of hardcover books that is haphazardly perched on top of various pieces of furniture keeps falling off and nearly decapitating your youngest child every time she goes into your bedroom, go see The Descendants together. Suddenly those silly things won’t matter any more. The fact that you look like you just got blasted in the face with a fire hose and now have to go out to dinner will.
2. The next time you think you need a massage, go to the toy box and find a hard rubber ball or a tennis ball.
Place the ball on the floor and place your aching body part on top of the ball and roll around on it. Instant massage. You will look ridiculous, but you won’t have to get naked and greasy with a stranger.
3. Don’t play Sorry! with anyone under the age of 12. Ever. You will be the only one who is sorry. Primarily about your choice to procreate.
4. Keep a jar of coconut oil on your bathroom sink.
My favorite uses:
- eye makeup remover
- under-eye cream
- facial moisturizer, hand cream, after shave, heel cream
- hair gel/leave-in conditioner/curl definer
- chapstick
- deodorant
- midnight snack
Speaking of hair care…
5. Stop using shampoo. But don’t take it from me. Take it from Ryan Gosling.
6. Make your own vanilla extract by splitting a vanilla bean, placing it in a glass bottle and filling that bottle with vodka or rum. Allow to sit for six months.
7. The best dessert creations come after making homemade vanilla. Not using homemade vanilla. Making homemade vanilla. Recipe coming this week. (You’ll need almond butter, almonds, sea salt, nutritional yeast, chocolate, coconut oil and freeze-dried raspberries or other dried fruit of your choice. Oh, and the ingredients for homemade vanilla.)
8. Make mornings go more smoothly by laying out your kiddos’ clothes the night before and insisting they get dressed before coming to the breakfast table. They when they drip maple syrup down their clothes, they’ve got a built-in mid-morning snack as well.
9. If you (or your kids) like sweetened, flavored yogurt but you want to cut the sugar and save money, mix half of the flavored yogurt with plain.
Just don’t get caught.
10. Want to get a new item of clothing and have your spouse not only support the purchase, but insist on it? Wear the same hoodie every day for three months straight. It helps if the hoodie is a really annoying color, like bright pink. Then when you say, “Maybe I should get a new hoodie…” all he or she can say is, “Thank God.”
For extra insurance, bring it up after seeing The Descendants.
bahahaha, this post made me lol for real. i’m afraid i’m becoming an expert on half-assing everything as well. but it’s ok. it’s an artform!
I have been hoping someone would say my hair is the softest they’ve felt in the past three years I haven’t used shampoo.
Someday….or I can just look at this and feel comforted.
Please tell me you’ve seen all the Ryan Gosling “Hey Girl…” shticks. They make me giggle.
Yeah, the pregnancy ones are so hilarious. ‘Hey girl, lets celebrate you passing your glucose test by eating skittles off my abs.’
Genius.
Ha! I haven’t seen that one! My favorite is “Hey girl, I think it’s cute when I get home from work and you are still in your pjs and tell me what you’ve pinned while I rub your feet.”
OR
“Hey girl, I’m sorry only 12 people entered your blog giveaway.”
haha nice.
Is it sad that I would probably love ANY guy who said these things in real life?
coconut oil, God’s magic butter. amen sister. are you ready for homemade toothpaste yet? it’s 4 ingredients, coconut oil being one of them. i’m sold. not for kiddos though, kinda an aquired taste, if you know what i mean. lemme know, i’ll slap the recipe up. (or if you’re diggin your TJ’s peppymint *like i still do some days* there’s no hurt feelings)
when does the book come out? can. not. wait. hope you are rested & well this weekend. XO!!
I have heard of the toothpaste…just haven’t gone there. I’m afraid I would just want to eat my toothbrush, I love coconut oil that much. Book doesn’t come out for a year!
I have never commented before and I feel that it’s time. I discovered you by finding your book at Costco. I had recently decided to go back to being vegan and your cookbook just jumped out at me. I love love love it!!! My husband jumped on the vegan train after watching Forks Over Knives and we have three little munchkins. But even more than loving your cookbook and recipeas, I love your writing. I look forward to your blog every night while nursing my baby to sleep. You crack me up!!! I love how connected you are with your readers and how “real” and honest you are. I think so many of us moms can relate and you make us feel ok. I hope that comes across right. Anyway, just wanted to say Hi and let you know that I really appreciate your humor, your cooking, and your honesty. Looking forwarding to the next book too!!
Thank you, Meleah! Such a compliment…especially that I am your nursing entertainment
I love to cook and feed my family well, but I love to write even more, so it makes me smile to know you enjoy that aspect as well. Good health to you and your family and thank you so much for saying hello.
Peas and Thank You jumped out at me, too! I know just what you mean. That’s what I call a little “wink” from life. And since going veg, Peas and Thank You has seriously been my go-to. The book is an awesome read and the food rocks. I am also EAGERLY and ANXIOUSLY waiting for the next book. I tell everyone I know about it. Love.
Mama Pea, you are genius about the yogurt fix! I’ve been wracking my brain, trying to find a way to get away from all that excess sugar, but I NEED my flavored yogurt. Seriously, why didn’t I think of that?! Love it. You are in my head. Thank you!
My pleasure! I felt pretty smart when I started pulling this one on the girls
“Expert on half-assing” – hahahaa!!
So true about the massages – they always sound good in theory, but then the nice massage part is over and you’re putting on clothes over greasy skin, paying (buzzkill!) and going out into the freezing cold. Home massage is definitely where it’s at.
Your coconut oil bathroom jar is way prettier than mine. I’ve just plopped the entire Trader Joe’s jar next to my sink. That stuff works wonders as a moisturizer though!
My hubs freaks if I wear a sweat shirt, hoodie, or sweat pants. I went through a sweat pants phase in college, he will not let me live it down. In my defense it was mainly because I had early classes.
I’m going to start doing number 4.
Homemade vanilla is the best. I could drink the stuff. In most of my recipes, I use so much…I practically do
Ahh can’t forget to check Peas and Thank You for my smile for the day. And Ryan Gosling. Can’t forget about him no matter what website I’m on. I mean Aubrey. Aubrey dang it. I always get Ryan and Aubrey confused
Off to remember where I stashed the coconut oil!
Does the no shampoo work on fine, straight hair or just curly? Always afraid to try that cause my hair can get greasy:\
Oh no, not suggested for fine, straight hair. But it wouldn’t hurt to use a sulfate-free shampoo either way.
Thank you for so many good laughs! I can totally relate and love your tips. I need to put coconut oil in my bathroom tonight!
Reallu? Does coconut oil work for under eye cream?! Trying that this week
Where did you get those cute little spoons? I love them
Mama, I have a very hard time believing that you have ever done anything mediocre in your life. Two beautiful children, an amazing husband, a law degree, two cook books and an amazing blog. You are above and beyond. And heck.yes to the coconut butter. It is good for almost anything.
Always love your blog! Your recommendation for coconut oil reminded me of another stunning benefit of coconut oil I saw recently on this clip …. “Coconut Oil Touted as Alzheimer’s Remedy” as seen here: http://www.cbn.com/media/player/index.aspx?s=%2Fmp4%2FLJO190v1_WS.
Thanks for the link!
That was hilarious. You crack me up! And, thank you for the coconut oil tips… I am taking some upstairs with me right now to remove my eye makeup! I keep forgetting to buy makeup remover, but I DO have coconut oil (which also works amazingly for diaper cream–though my husband is somewhat disgusted that we use it for that purpose and also to make popcorn–separate containers for sure!).
Hope it worked for you!
It worked GREAT! Thanks for the tip!
What a great post! I love all the uses for coconut oil!
I’m intrigued by the coconut oil uses! Especially as I accidentally stabbed my finger into my coconut oil jar yesterday, which seemed like a poor choice of movement at the time, but now seems altogether more acceptable. I was just moisturizing that finger, is all.
There you go!
Okay … so I am pretty savvy in the kitchen anything deviating from pots and pans, salt and pepper … not so much … so forgive me if I ask an obvious question(s) … on all the uses of the coconut oil … particularily interested in eye makeup remover, cream and deodorant … I am almost afraid to ask probably the obvious …
a. you use normal coconut oil found in the stores
b. you use it straight as is?
c. isn’t it a greasy mess if you use it on your face!
d/ how about deodorant, tell me about that!
a. yes
b. yes.
c. no, I just use a tiny bit and I have fairly dry skin.
d. just slap it on! You can also mix it with cornstarch and it works even better.
Oh number 7 sounds pretty awesome! I am intrigued to see that recipe!
Number 10 is too funny, haha! I actually had to go buy Mike pants last week, he needed another pair of black dress pants so bad. I was sick of him complaining he did, so I went out and got them! I am a good wife
Happy Monday! <3
hahahaha love this
and i LOVED the descendents…although yes, i sobbed all the way through. shocker, i know.
and the hoodie trick? genius!
I wish I’d done it on purpose. Guess what hoodie I’m wearing right now? (hint: it’s pink)
I just looked down and realized that I’m wearing my bright pink hoodie as I read this! But it’s ok, I don’t wear it every day, only on mondays!
sarah, this post is so cute! as for #10… I’ve been covered in spit up for the past 6 1/2 weeks since Olivia was born… but my husband has yet to insist on new clothes :/ he does, however, not seem to mind when he gets home from work and the baby is in only a diaper and I’m topless because I’m sick of changing both of us
oh and I’ve been using your hair method – my curls are doing awesome! and thank God. it’s been over 80 degrees and 100% humidity in Florida!
Glad to hear how easy and nice your hair has been! And hope you have a good “mommy” day today!
I love those Ryan Gosling “hey girl” photos. But seriously, if I don’t use shampoo for one day, my hair is completely disgusting and smelly. I wouldn’t want anyone to come near it- especially the Gos.
I need to try that coconut oil trick (or tricks, rather) in my beauty routine! I so neglect my skincare regime- and at 32, I should definitely be getting serious about it!
Ha!Ha!Ha!ha!ha! Number 3 has me hysterical! My 6 year old twins love playing Sorry, and I always end up sorry!
LOL! Great tips Mama Pea – I’d say you’re a household maintenance pro! I had no idea coconut oil was so versatile but I’m totally trying the heel cream thing. Can’t wait for that recipe next week…. I’ll have some Bacardi and a vanilla bean waiting!
You are so hilarious! Totally concur re. the board games – my nephews are big on Battleship. My dad is big on Trivial Pursuit (it is scary how much trivia he retains…). Both make me want to run screaming out of the house.
I made the pop tarts over the weekend and took a lame-o picture for you if you want it. They are so good – heck, the dough was excellent raw! My husband was finishing up our taxes so I felt all June Cleaver (trivia!) bringing him a cup of coffee with a homemade pop tart on a plate.
Well done, sister!
You Rock!!
I love your posts and have shared thrm with many friends. 2 have gone vegan one is thinking about it. I cant wait till your book comes out. So lookong forward to it. God Bless and take care. <3
Thanks Lluvia!
I’ve had a jar of unopened coconut oil sitting in my pantry for…well…let’s not talk about that. I think I’m going to move it to my bathroom. Who knew?! Chapstick? Under eye cream? At least I know it’ll smell better than Preparation-H
Give it a go, friend!
totally awesome post.
I agree on Sorry. I can literally get defeated and still have 3-4 pawns in the start when it happens! I wanted to let you know the information from a few weeks ago on curly hair was timely for me. I really wanted to give up my awful (but effective) butane containing curl defining hair mousse. So having products recommended was awesome because I hate wasting a whole bottle of anything! I don’t know any female with curly hair without a trail of failed products behind them:) I still have to shampoo about every 4th day with actual sulfate free shampoo but without the silicone products and drying sulfates all is working well. I was wondering if it was hard for you to give up the shampoo? Did you have to go gradually? Thanks again. Oh and thanks for the encouragement from Ryan.
I shampoo every other week with a sulfate free shampoo and have found that that works well for me. And no, I didn’t do it gradually…I went cold turkey! I too have that trail of failed products…
That Ryan Gosling site has me very intrigued. Is it for real? (Does he really write it?) Or made up (someone else does.)
Totally made up
So I’m wondering, is the only difference between vanilla extract and vanilla vodka the size of the bottle? Because I have thought of pouring the contents of my extract over ice in certain moments of desperation.
I love coconut oil as a makeup remover. Lately I’ve been using olive oil under the eye and also put just a tiny bit of it on my fingers and run it through my hair while it’s still wet. My hair’s been looking a lot healthier.
That is a very, very good question, and I too have experienced those moments of desperation
ahahahaha!! This list is awesome! I especially love #10. Good work, Mama Pea, good work!
Love the coconut oil idea! I’ll have to start using that.
BAHAHAHAHAHA. This post was simply amazing. I think you’re really on to something there with #8 and #10.
Would you stop it with all this.
You are too much. I’m thinking we really need to go see The Descendants and i really need to make some homemade vanilla. 
Hope you get to relax a little now that the manuscript has been turned in. (BTW- My daily hoodie is black. I should go for a brighter color.)
Black is less annoying, for sure, but you aren’t going to win yourself a new hoodie that way.
Hey, Mama Pea! Your coconut oil tips have reminded me to say: I LOVED your post about hair. As a curly-haired girl (with admittedly hard-to-manage hair), I was thrilled to read that you were finally giving up the flat iron and figuring out how to make your natural hair work for you. I had heard of the Curly Girl Handbook but never checked it out until your informative post. I bought it and started following its regimen last week. And guess what? There’s a hair stylist working in my home town outside of Chicago who trained at Lorraine Massey’s curly hair salon in New York! I was due for a haircut anyway, so on Saturday I had my first official Curly Girl haircut. I’m looking forward to reaching a point where I’m proud of, rather than embarrassed by, my curls in all seasons. I never would have gotten started if not for you, Mama Pea. Thank you!
Fran, that’s awesome! I have an appointment in June (!!!) for my first Curly Girl cut. I can’t wait to see what the results are. How was yours?
I had a great experience. The stylist explained every step of the process, and when it was done, I had the best-looking curls since I was a little girl! I’m still getting the hang of where to place the hair clips when I dry it myself (winter = mandatory diffuser), but overall I’m really pleased with it. My stylist said that since she cut “with the curl”–rather than straight across when my hair was wet–that my haircut will look better for a longer period of time, and I shouldn’t need another haircut for 3-4 months. Hooray for cost savings!
Awesome! Using the clips has really helped me…love that root lift!
Alrriiiight I need to go see The Decedents, huh? Want to come babysit for me?!
Oh, and getting a oily massage from a stranger – so awkward I can hardly stand it. I like you tennis ball method infinitely better.
YES! I would love to babysit and then that would cure this danged baby fever I’m having.
Hahaha, ironic that P. Daddy is the one that bought you that pink hoodie! And funny that I know which pink hoodie you are talking about.
Not funny. Anyone who reads this blog knows what hoodie we’re talking about
But seriously, I got a new one!!!
I love coconut oil! Just started oil pulling for my teeth and it’s working wonders.
Hey now I’ve been pulling the hoodie trick for awhile now and my hubs doesn’t get the hint! Mine is blue though so I guess I need to step up my game and get a pink one. Those Ryan Gosling things are hilarious. I wonder what he thinks of them…
I saw a clip of him being interviewed by VH1 or something for Blue Valentine and he read off a bunch of them. He was laughing a lot. He’s read a lot of them, I think. Cutest video every actually lol.
Oh really? That’s awesome. I’m going to go find that clip.
The one I got is blue…so we’ll see if it works for me in getting a third hoodie.
whip the coconut oil in a mixer for 6-7 minutes on high = holy all purpose body heaven. take that as you will.
That sounds like something I’d want to eat. Take that as you will.
Love the half and half yogurt idea. And I’m very curious about making homemade vanilla…sounds wild!
Hold up…coconut oil for shampoo? I have really thick hair. Thick to the point where every time I get a haircut, the stylist literally can’t get over how thick it is and has to comment on how light it must feel now that it’s cut. I feel like coconut oil would just grease it up. Would you use it just like shampoo, as in rub in it all in your hair and rinse it out?
And you can use it as face cream and eye make up remover? You said in a comment above that you have dry skin, and so do I, so I’m going to have to try it.
And deodorant??? And it actually blocks sweat and stink??
And just to be sure..this is the coconut oil that you buy in the oil aisle of the grocery store…next to the olive oil and such? I bought it a few shopping trips ago and was bothered by how expensive it was compared to all the other “normal” oils. But if it truly has all of these great uses, then it really isn’t that expensive considering how much money I spend on face lotion, make up remover, shampoo, and deodorant.
I don’t use the coconut oil as shampoo, I mix some with my gel and put it into my hair as it dries. And I just leave it in.
Yes, I use it for face cream and eye makeup remover.
I only use it for deodorant if I’m out, but yes, it works.
And YES, it’s the jar of solid white coconut oil you can now get at Trader Joe’s
oh, ha! I combined your coconut tip with the shampooing tip. Thanks so much for clarifying and responding so quick!
I love massaging my back with a tennis ball on the floor–it’s the boyfriend I never had!
Ah, coconut oil. It’s the only body lotion I will use anymore. I don’t think my skin has ever looked so good! (and I smell delicious. Bonus!)
I want to eat my face.
Seriously, Ryan Gosling knows whats up. And I should probably put some coconut oil IN my bathroom in a separate jar, rather than running to the kitchen in my towel to scoop it out of the container.
I’m just lazy
Blue Valentine is the best movie ever – just saw it last week so was thrilled to see his face on your post. I LOVE HIM.
I haven’t seen it! I must rent it now.
I am the queen of half-assing things…like english papers
last night i went downstairs to spoon some coconut butter out of the jar for myself, i really should just leave it in my bathroom… (or under my pillow?!) to make life easier
and before i got my foam roller i would use my coffee to-go mug for my IT band all the time, so i know what you mean about the tennis ball!
Thanks for the tips! I’ve been using the leftover snack bit for awhile with twin toddlers. A snack is always at their fingertips!!
Glad you’re in the coconut oil club
Nearly half my country is 
For all the shampoo-users, did you know, you can apply coconut oil in your hair liberally, leave it on overnight and then wash it off the next morning to incredibly soft and silky hair? Method works with most oils too, olive, almond etc.,
Also, castor oil (have you ever heard of it?) is another great eye make up remover. Plus it does things to your eyelashes that no mascara can! I should know – I have been using it for about 18 years now and I’ve gone from so-so in the eyelash area to naturally vavavoom
Looking forward to Household Hints Vol 2, 3, 4, ….
Hi. These are intriguing suggestions! I love coconut oil, but have never thought to put it in my hair. My hair is naturally wavy and I rarely use shampoo. The coconut oil doesn’t leave your hair flat? Do you comb it through or only leave it on the ends? I am excited to try to castor oil. Thanks for sharing these ideas!
I just mix it with my get and finger comb it through. But only about a dime-size or so worth. Good luck!
Great tips! I am scared to watch the Decendants, too sad. I just laid out babies clothes tonight, one less hassle tomorrow morning.
Whoohoo!
I love coconut oil for make up remover and hand/eye cream! But I just have mine in the jar it came in, meaning I have to stick my whole hand in the jar once its down near the end. Love the little one you have! I don’t know if you’re taking requests for “pea make over recipes” but I would love a non-chicken picatta type recipe!
I keep trying #10 and then he says he loves my bright turquoise sweatshirt on me. Either I’ve struck it big or he’s clued in that I pay bills faster when I’m not allowed in Lululemon.
How’d you know I was talking about Lululemon?
Love the half and half yogurt idea! I’ll have to try it out.
I’ve switched to sulfate free shampoo, but have yet to give it up entirely… I swim a lot, is it recommended I give up shampoo altogether?
Oh no, I think sulfate free is just fine, but maybe you should ask Ryan Gosling?
did I miss a day? going through mama pea withdrawals!
Just added you to my Blogroll
After wearing the same jeans and sneakers for months, my boyfriend is insisting I get new clothes. Unfortunately, I must do so with my own finances.
As a massage therapist, I think everyone should get naked with a stranger (not necessarily greasy, I use a great lubrication that leaves you smooth and soft, not feeling like you’ve been doused in baby oil!), but I totally agree with the tennis ball in a pinch reality. If you put one in a knee high stocking and hold the ends, you can use to maneuver beautifully around your neck and shoulders against a wall without it falling down!
Ha ha ha! I would get naked with you any day (in a platonic way, of course).
Hahaha, of course!
I just started using coconut oil as face cream! It works fab! Thanks for the laughs, per usual.
Oooh that sounds awesome! I’ll have to give that a try
Hahaha totally started cracking up on your comment about procreation
Thank for finally saying it… Sorry is the worst game ever with young children! I bought it for my 6 year old for Christmas, because I thought I remembered it being fun when I was a kid… I was wrong. I hate that game, and I no longer feel guilty admitting this fact. I now keep it hidden in the closet, behind blankets, in hopes he’ll forget he ever owned it.
You are doing the world a favor hiding that game. You should be proud.