Monkey Pea
There is a brand new, very temporary member of the Pea household.
Gigi came from school with “Malibu the Monkey” yesterday. I’d caught wind the first day of school that there would be a “class pet” that each student would get a turn taking home. Gigi also informed me in a very serious tone that they were NOT supposed to sleep with Malibu.
The hands on her hips and furrow in her brow told me that her teacher had been very clear on this point. They also told me that acting lessons for any member of this family would be a bigger waste of money than a Costco-sized jar of beef jerky.
The OCD Gods must have been smiling down on me, though, because Gigi was given the very first chance of all of her classmates to defile Malibu. No sloppy seconds and no need to give Malibu a Purrell bath before letting him in our home.
I was a little baffled when I saw that Malibu came with a “homework assignment.”
Homework assignment + 5 year-old = more stuff I have to do.
The journal is supposed to chronicle Mailbu’s time with us, including drawings and photographs and written descriptions of what went on. In other words, more stuff for me to do.
There was some creative editing done on my part. Because If I had actually written a journal of what went on during Malibu’s stay…well, it would have read more like this.
HELP ME. THESE PEOPLE ARE FREAKIN’ NUTS.
First, they took my picture with the one they call “Gigi” and the one they call “Lulu.” The Mom was cranky because she’s so cheap she won’t buy ink refills for their photo printer. She had to send the photos to Costco for One-Hour Printing and then bribe the girls to get in the 100 degrees car with popsicles.
The Mom put me under one arm (Girlfriend needs to shave and get some clinical strength deodorant) and put The Lulu under another arm and took us to the store to buy bread.
The Mom kept looking for some bread called Nature’s Pride so she could win a trip to some place called Foodbuzz. If Girlfriend isn’t going to spring for an ink cartridge she sure as sugar isn’t going to pay for airfare and lodging in San Francisco.
We went to Safeway. No bread.
We went to Fred Meyer. No dough.
We went to Roth’s. No go.
We went to Target. No dice.
We went to Walmart. Frick.
We went to Walgreen’s. Frack.
We went to Kmart. Frickin’ frack.
We went to Costco. (Like she was going to buy four loaves of it if it happened to be there?! Who are you kidding, Lady.)
The Mom carried me and Lulu all around the stores, and dragged Gigi by the arm down aisle after aisle. She said a lot of words I’ve never heard in preschool before.
Then we came home and The Mom did this.
The Dad laughed at The Mom. Then The Dad asked what was for dinner. Then The Mom laughed. She laughed so hard she cried and someone left a puddle on the floor, so she laughed and cried some more.
I told you these people were nuts. But at least they eat well.
Miso Pesto Tomato and “Mozzarella” Paninis
Makes 1 1/2 c. pesto + 4 sandwiches
Miso Pesto:
- 1/2 c. pinenuts
- 1 T. olive oil
- 1 T. nutritional yeast
- 4 cloves garlic, minced
- 1 1/2 T. organic miso
- 1/2 c. water
- 4 c. fresh basil, loosely packed
Sandwiches:
- Miso pesto
- 8 slices 100% Whole Wheat bread (this would be Nature’s Pride…if I could find it anywhere on God’s green Earth)
- 4 t. vegan margarine (i.e. Earth Balance)
- 2 tomatoes, thinly sliced
- 1 c. organic baby spinach
- 1 1/3 c. non-dairy (i.e. Daiya) or organic mozzarella, shredded
For the pesto, toast the pine nuts in a dry skillet until golden.
Combine pine nuts and all remaining ingredients in a blender and blend until smooth.
Refrigerate pesto until using.
Spread 1/2 tsp. of vegan margarine on one side of each slice of bread.
Place a slice of bread, margarine side down, in a skillet that has been heated over medium high heat.
Layer slice of bread with about a teaspoon worth of pesto,
a few tablespoons of shredded mozzarella,
tomatoes,
spinach,
and a few additional tablespoons of cheese.
Take another slice of bread and spread the non-margarine side with an additional teaspoon worth of pesto,
and top sandwich, pesto side down.
Smoosh.
And grill for several minutes on each side.
Slice and serve with additional pesto, if desired.
The family liked their dinner. The Dad scarfed it down like it was The Mom’s lice and said it was “a winner.”
The Mom said, “A lot of damn good it does me…” and then put some money in a jar on the counter.
Then they shoved me in my bag. It was dark and scary and I think someone dropped part of a popsicle in it. I wished I was in a nice warm bed with a moderately clean kid.
This morning The Mom got up and turned on the TV to do a workout. She said, “Are you frickin’ kidding me?!” and then she grabbed her camera and started taking pictures of the TV.
Then she muttered something under her breath and put some more money in the jar on the counter. Maybe if she cashed in that jar on the counter she could afford an ink cartridge and a hotel. I’m not telling her, though. She’ll just shove me back in the sticky bag.
Come to think of it, I should just let her. That bag is my one ticket out of here. That or a really good Nature’s Pride recipe.
omg I am literally cracking up (don’t hate me)
Daniel (my little brother) had a class pig that they did a similar project with. The pig’s name was Toot and Daniel cried when Toot went to a new home. I miss those days. He was so sweet! I bought him his own “Toot” and he was over the moon. Nowadays he just wants video games. Not so sweet or cute.
That is ridiculous about the Nature’s Pride bread. I’m sorry you couldn’t find it and that the commercial teased you. How rude! But your entry looks absolutely delicious. I hope you win!!!!
That was fun…and funny. I can’t believe you went to all of those stores searching for Nature’s Pride! I would have dropped flat on the floor after the first two. I’ve never tried miso pesto before and I can’t wait to give it a try.
I just discovered your blog today and I can’t get enough of it. I can relate to you a lot, as I also have two daughters. Oh the joy of motherhood. Love this post! It is crazy what kids already have to do in kindergarten isn’t it?
I give you A+ for your bread seeking efforts. If I find the bread here in the SF Bay Area, I will ship it – that’s how sorry I feel for you after going to SEVEN grocery stores. I couldn’t bring myself to go to one today.
Holy crud. You should win an ambassador spot just for going to all those stores! Hilarious spin on tonight’s post. The miso pesto looks lovely. As do you flat on the floor!
Aww, I remember when my brother did this in pre-school a few years ago! His class monkey was named Bono. Helping him write in his journal was definitely a process! And the paninis look super good even though I just had some bread w pesto like 5 minutes ago!
Mama Pea, I want to say thank you for always making such creative and funny posts that are interesting and fun to read!
Mama Pea, you have the most clever blog posts ever! I look forward to each and every one of your posts!
You just made my week. Nobody deserves a free trip to San Francisco more than you! You will have the best time, because i know you are winning this!
I wonder why they can’t sleep with Malibu? I’ve never heard that rule with the class pet.
Mama Pea, sometimes you just make my day. Thank you, from one mom dragging her kids around Costco in this ridiculous heat to another.
Oh my gosh, that sammich looks divine!! I must get the ingredients next time I’m grocery shopping!
monkey see monkey do…need that sando. now.
LOL
This was such a fun and cute post to read!! And I gotta say – that’s pretty annoying that they expect pictures to go with the “homework”. Definitely a lot more work for the parent.
I can’t find the bread ANYWHERE either!!!! I’m about to see if I can order online but then I fear I would be stuck with 25 loafs. Regardless of the bread, the sandwiches look awesome.
I love starting the day with a good laugh – thank you so much. This line got me: “The Dad scarfed it down like it was The Mom’s lice.” Too funny! And that is my kind of sandwich – can’t wait to make it.
That sandwich looks amazing!
LOL I can’t believe that commercial came on after all that!! I would’ve had to use the swear jar, too.
Ahahah that commercial! Oh wow, great timing… don’t you think? Anyway, that sandwich looks delicious! I love “frying” my sandwiches that way. It takes them to a whole new level
I’m having flashbacks to my daughter’s preschool days and the bear she had to bring home. Oh, and more flashbacks to our time entertaining Flat Stanley.
You’re right,. Their homework = more work for you.
This was such a clever blog post. Thank you for making me chuckle so early in the morning!
I am sitting here smiling and laughing as I type this….what a great post to read first thing in the morning – I absolutely loved it! I hope I get to read more of about your life from the perspective of a stuffed animal..too cute!
That sandwich looks so good – another good reason to pull out my Vita-mix! It’s been a while since we rendezvoused.
I’ve always been curious about the taste of vegan/soy cheese – is it pretty good? I need to check out this Nature’s Pride bread (if I can find it!!)
Thanks so much for bringing another smile to my face Mama Pea! Lots of love to you, Pea Daddy and the little peas.
Miso pesto sounds absolutely inspired! Nature’s Pride should include your entry because if that wasn’t a good solid effort, I don’t know what is.
Oh my goodness… I think I’m crying and I may have left a puddle in my chair.. I’m just sayin.
Don’t ya just love homework? I get so tired of the assignments the kids bring home for me. Sandwiches are always a good dinner…especially when tomato and Daiya are concerned.
Do you plan to see the new documentary “Waiting for Superman”? I think it would be a great viewing.
Haha! Love it.
Laughed so hard cause the first thing I thought was that monkey was going to need a wipe down with all those kids handling it…you are not the only OCD person in the hood
Next time you need pics come on over to your Pea Neighbors house. We can hook you up and save you some time, gas and frustration.
GAHHH!!! A comment from “Pea Neighbor!!!!” I never even thought that Malibu may have been recycled from last year…maybe one of your girls even had him? Thanks for the offer on the picture printing too. I meant to bring you guys some cookies earlier in the week (as our condolences) but never saw that you guys were around and I was driving all over town myself. I will hit you up with the next batch…but just know we are thinking about you guys.
That is too funny. Thank you for the laugh.
Malibu the Monkey…lol. We had a class pet like that when I was in first grade, but the teacher CHOSE who got to take it home each week based on good behavior, and I never got to have him!!! Sigh. I’m still bitter, obviously.
I’m so sorry you can’t find Nature’s Pride bread. It really is amazing!
That is so funny! You make me laugh so hard! We recently had the school bear for the weekend, I just ended up putting the bear in various places in Photoshop……..Paris, Egypt, Niagara Falls, winning the world cup, you get the idea……
HAHAHA “Like it was the mom’s lice.” Love it.
I guess they’ve moved on from real pets? I remember having a hamster stay at our house a few weekends when my brother was in elementary school…
This post elicited an even heartier laugh than most… and that’s saying a lot because I always chuckle while reading your blog
.
Haha, I remember having to take ‘pets’ home from school. What a fun experience for my mom it was
But those sandwiches look like miniature gods. You can’t ever go wrong with a pesto sandwich. Great work!
“The Dad scarfed it down like it was The Mom’s lice..” Hysterical! Malibu got quite an insider’s look into the Pea household. I’m almost jealous of the stuffed monkey for getting a fly-on-the-wall view at all the hilarity. I’m glad Gigi got her turn first. Those germs can be a beast!! Great story!
We’ll just pretend that it WAS Nature’s Pride bread, and that you’re going to win a spot and I’m going to win a spot and we can be roommates in SF
K? K.
HIlarious! I’m impressed you went to that many places to find bread….makes me tired just thinking about it. That’s determination woman!
oh my gosh, i am CRYING i am laughing so hard! i love that you wrote “the gigi” and “the lulu”! awesome. pure awesome.
I probably would have given up after the 2nd store. You are a determined woman! Sorry you didn’t find the stinkin’ bread.
malibu is a great storyteller;-).
How soon do you need the bread? I’m pretty sure they have it here in FL and I’d be happy to send you some!
Thanks, Katy. But the post has to be submitted before Oct. 3 and I’m kind of exhausted by the thought of trying again.
that was an awesome post. And your creativity in the kitchen amazes me. Love the monkey story!
A stuffed monkey is a much better idea than a live pet. When I was in elementary school, a boy in my class took our fish Waldo home for his designated weekend and left a window open beside his bowl, subsequently resulting in Waldo’s untimely demise and an impromptu science lesson on the effects of hypothermia. The poor kid is still tormented with heckles of “hey, where’s Waldo?” around our hometown 20-something years later.
In unrelated news, Gigi has the most gorgeous hair I’ve ever seen. I’m totally jealous!
Very cute. I remember having to do a similar assignment in 1st grade, except we had Flat Stanley. Then somebody lost Stanley. Drama!
Hahaha I adore your blog! You’re hilarious!
The sandwich looks amazing. I wish I had some vegan cheese on hand…
This post is a “winner”!
Did you try Winco? And you might also check with any co-ops in your area. If you are really, really determined, try Market of Choice, but then you’d have to go to that place where the Ducks live. (Though there will be one in Ctown in less than a month!)
My mom actually talked to a few bread distributors at the store yesterday and they said that Nature’s Pride doesn’t distribute north of California on the West coast. But thanks for the suggestions!
Can I just tell you you have me crackin up over my coffee this morning? I love how creative you get with your stories in some other Pea’s perspective. I also love how Monkey got made an honorary Pea for the time being. Did Pea Kitty have any thoughts on Monkey Pea? Thanks for the laughs this morning!
Actually I stuffed Pea Kitty in Monkey’s bag and sent her to preschool, but they promptly sent her back. Foiled again.
I hate running all around town to try and find something. It truly is exhausting!
Haha! I just found your blog recently and you crack me up girl!
I definitely need to invest in swear jar…good call.
That pesto looks delicious. I’ve been dying to find a healthier version and this looks like a winner. Love your Monkey story!
You slay me.
“The Mom’s lice…” Wha? Have I just not had enough coffee?
…because Malibu is a monkey…and monkeys eat each other’s lice…come on, Tiff. I never said it was a good joke…
I hope you can find that bread! This recipe looks like a winner in my book. I would be so happy too if my child got Malibu first. I hope the teacher makes sure no one has pet allergies before sending that home with everyone. Sorry that was the teacher in me, just thinking out loud.
I think that Malibu probably had a very interesting and educational adventure in the Pea Family home
The sandwiches look great, too 
My daily dose of Pea humor. If Gigi’s teacher reads your blog, you might be lucky enough to not get Malibu back!!
I say you replace Pea Kitty with Monkey Pea!!! They will never notice the difference!
Ah hahahaha. Love it! We had one those “pet’s” in elementary school too, I was sooo excited when it was my turn to take him home.
A better story would be the time my family agreed to watch our preschool/kindergarten school pet, a guinea pig. We put it’s cage outside so it could play in the grass, in the shade of our large juniper bushes. Well…..we forgot about said guinea pig, and when the sun moved across the sky….he was no longer in the shade…and well….he was just no longer. My poor parents, my brother and I cried for days.
I keep thinking you can’t possibly write one more entertaining post and then, day after day, you knock them out of the park. I’ve dragged my kids all over too on random ingredient searches (canned pumpkin of late) and, oh my, it’s painful, especially when you are unsuccessful in your quest.
Haha mama pea – we think alike! the first thing i thought of when I saw this post was…that monkey must be FILTHY! thank goodness gig was the first to get it
Did this post remind anyone else of that episode of the Simpsons where Bret takes home that stuffed sheep and then loses it in the sewer? Anyone?
I recently found your blog and I have really enjoyed reading it. Todays blog was so funny I had to send a comment. You are so creative. I love it.
Thanks, Maria!
Super funny as always Mama Pea! And thanks for the recipe, I can’t wait to try it! Yumm-o! I can totally relate to dragging two little girls under the age of three into stores. I relate it to getting a filling at the dentist. It is something you sometimes have to do, but it is very painful! Oh, and I am totally with you on the OCD thing. When I first started reading today’s post, I thought to myselft “tubby time” (aka the washing machine) Which is where all the stuffed animals in our house go if they have been brought outside of the house.
Have a great day!
I remember my class doing a ‘project’ like that way back in the day. Funny they’re still doing it. Not sure what the point is, but it must be something……
Dinner looks delicious!
Your writing cracks me up! I have now even caught my husband reading your blog over my shoulder and laughing at your stories.
During the week I get caught up on blogs over my lunch hour and my eyes end up watering from holding back laughter while reading your posts at my desk. They are so darn funny!
But don’t worry, laughing with – not laughing at.
TOO cute!!
That cracked me up! Nature’s Pride IS hard to find!
Too funny! Sorry the bread eluded you and the monkey. At least you exposed him to a whole new world.
Good to know that natures pride isn’t at those stores. I’ve only checked out a couple in Vancouver with no luck too. I’ve never tried miso (other than miso soup). What’s the flavor it gives?
I remember early on in my younger daughters kindergarten career a project coming home that involved making a village out of paper bags or cereal boxes or something of that sort. We were supposed to include our house and other building in our community that we went to. I very politly sent the teacher a note and said “we” ( me) would not be completing said project because I had already been to many, many years of school and passed them all! Of course it has not gotten any better over the years and now my youngest daughter is a senior in high school….I only hope the family projects stop when she goes to college!
I cannot even explain to you how many times I lol’ed during this…you’re the best.
This is so frickin’ frackin’ hilarious. I laughed out loud at work, people are going to think I’m crazy. I love this story!
After you write your cookbook, you should write children’s book for adults. Yeah, don’t think it doesn’t exist, they sell them here in L.A. Crazy!
I read all the time but rarely comment. This is one of the best posts ever! Made me laugh so many times. My first thought was ewwww, that monkey must be covered in germs. Glad Gigi got it first.
I have to know, though, do you really dislike Pea Kitty? I think you’re joking but I’m not sure. If you don’t want her, I’ll take her.
Unfortunately, three other Peas adore her. I’m outnumbered.
On a totally unrelated I note, I just wanna say that I am now the proud owner of a banana bowl in my freezer and LOVING it!
On a totally related note, girl, you are HILARIOUS! Love reading your blog and getting inspired everyday.
OMGaaaaaaawd!!!!!!!! LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!! <3
Oh my god. I think I love you.
p.s. I found Nature’s Pride on my first try, at Harris Teeter.
::cough::
…Too soon?
I reallly, realllly hope you win, Anne. Don’t you love how you can’t read sarcasm on the internet?
this is sad but when you said ‘smoosh’ i immediately thought of snooki from jersey shore for her lovely hookups. kind of like whenever someone says the situation now i want to laugh.
that sandwich looks amazing!!! you are such a hilarious story teller too
So hilarious. I know my own stuffed animals were gross enough with my germs let alone an entire kindergarten class.
And you should totally get a prize just for hunting that much for the bread.
Gah! The only vegan bread within a 120 mile radius of me is Rainbo: day-glow white and full of things I can’t pronounce. At least you were looking for something that is wholesome. I feel your pain…although I am a wee bit jealous of seven different grocery stores. *SIGH* We’re not so diverse in the middle of Kansas.
You are hilarious. How about you come up with a recipe, I make it and we share a room
I think I just did…
Bahahahaha!!! Too cute. I have to say, when I saw the monkey in a clear plastic bag I immediately thought of “suffocating” it to get rid of lice. And now I’m itchy.
hahaha.. wow I realllllyyy enjoyed this post!! good luck on the bed hunt and your sandwich looks amazing!!
You are hilarious!!
Miso in pesto. Very interesting idea. I shall file that away in some corner of my brain for later. I may just need to try it out.